Tuesday, November 18, 2008

ka- boom

So the last 2 weeks or so, I haven't fully wanted to admit it or anything, but my head has been feeling like a ticking time bomb. I've been to the emergency room, and all they do is giving vicodin or morphine and send me home. Not only is 2 vicodin no longer working, but the room won't stop spinning! I haven't driven in about as long, because I'm afraid of getting dizzy while driving. I'm afraid to call my regular Dr. for fear it's not good news. In my mind I imagine the worst case scenario, cancer or a tumor something like that on/in my brain. Just functioning day to day has become increasingly difficult, and it makes me want to cry.

I've been so emotional lately, and I think it's because I keep imagining the worst case scenario. I look at my beautiful children and cry. What did I do to deserve such miracles, such blessings? And I cry. I cry at the thought that my head spinning and throbbing is a death sentence waiting to happen. I don't want to stand, because the nausea that accompanies the spinning is getting unbearable. I try to play it down to my husband and mom, but I think Ray's starting to figure it out. There's only so much I can do to hide my face wanting to throw up when I rise from my seat.

Tomorrow I tell myself, I'll call the Dr. and make an appointment. But when it comes to me, tomorrow never comes. I always find something more important to do, and push the head throbbing, dizzying pain to the back of my mind. I can't go on like this much longer, and I think tomorrow has finally come. I hope for the best, but fear the worse.....

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